“God is a fraud; Love His facade. God called me by name. He had me at hello. He cast me, into a vat; not of heaven, but of hell. Stuck, a prisoner of my own misery. In solitary confinement, rebellion is just a game I play. I am the fraud. I am the facade…
‘Existential Angst’. Sounds like a sweet-eating yeasty, an infection to which some sad sap succumbs. Uprising unbalance leads to soul-sickness, purification by fire, call me Phoenix.
This one’s a jawbreaker, not going to sugarcoat it. Life is no Candyland. The only cavity, a deep inner void, filled with grit. Waiting for a pearl. Feasting, but not satiated. Starving, but not hungry. No luster.
All ‘flowers and rainbows’ while shacking up with thorny weeds and blackened storm clouds. Wearing rose-colored glasses; basking in gratitudes and platitudes. Bit by a snake-in-the-grass; rendering me a bifocaled realist.
In a power-struggle to the finish, Higher and Lower Self. The former, constantly vigilant, patiently on the watch. The latter, threatening to move in and assume permanent title. Bankrupted. A temporary take-over. Sold out from under myself. The writing is on the wall, graffitied, scarred, tattooed.
A personal challenge, where darkness casts its shadow beneath my own roof?! An unwelcome, ungrateful guest bends below the smoky spotlight. Chase the gross-polluter round and about, out of town? Let ’em stay, succumbing to potentially toxic fumes? An ‘either-or’ proposition? Or ‘both-and’? You know where I stand.
Spiritual growth and personal healing, is a fight to the birth, not for the faint of heart. My brave fellow angsties, be forewarned: ‘Embrace yourself, wherever you’re at! God willing, you will never go too far astray, for too long, alone.’
Upon my platform I must belt out: ‘Compassionate Integration!’ That, is the winning blow.
But for His amazing grace…
Thank you God for being my life-line, and never letting go, even when I lose my grip, and bite the hand that feeds me.”
P.S. It is amazing how much writing this post helped me over the course of these past two days! I was feeling hopeless, forsaken, angry, and might I say, suicidal (not my 1st time feeling such, but I recognize it for what it is now, and would never act). I feel so much better. I definitely worked through something very deep, (not the first, nor the last time this will happen, I’m sure – just hope it will slow down a bit, and not be so intense! The Wounded Healer for sure! :)). I know what issues are resolving within myself, but those are details I won’t share here.
We are all have the same story, just the details are different…
Blessings to each of you on your personal journeys: To who, what, when, where, and why it transpires! 🙂
Oh, Maggie, I’m sorry you had to go through the downer. Thank God writing is cathartic for you! It certainly is a fact that we are never left alone. Never…even though there are times when it feels as though there is nothing! No one! At those times, I’ve crawled into God’s lap and wept as the sense of safety and love wraps around me like a blanket.
It sounds like you “remembered” that you are loved, loveable and loving. Hang on to that fact even though it’s tough to find proof of that “with skin on”. Be open to receive love. When we’ve been hurt it’s all too easy to set up a bunch of belief systems as defense. If you have, get rid of them, Maggie. They are only prisons.
I would typically ask that God Bless you, but I know He does…I don’t even have to ask!
Thank you for your care and concern. It definitely was a rough patch, feeling forsaken and betrayed by God Himself (as I said, old and deep). Down patches inevitably become up patches, in retrospect. I cleared something out and I feel back to ‘normal’, full of extreme gratitude and hope.
Yes, thank goodness for writing )and photography!). Creative expression is so ‘tapped in’ sending relief in a visceral way.
I appreciate your loving response. ❤
Hi sweet Maggie angel! Here is the comment I tried to post earlier:
Your expressive writing is most impressive! And I’m sure it touches everyone who reads it. Personal growth, spiritual growth, healing – we all know it, either out of courage diving straight in, or the much so painful avoidance of that truthful voice within. You’re amazing, Maggie!
Thank you for returning to make your comment, and alerting me to my ‘settings’ problem, so that I could fix it! You are such a dear Christina! I’m so lucky to have you around, and right in our office. Despite what you’re going through, you are so caring.
You brought up a good point, pain coming with avoidance, as well as with diving in. At a certain point, we have no choice but to face what we’ve been avoiding, just when we feel the most vulnerable and exhausted!!! At least that is what’s been happening for me…obviously. 🙂 That’s why when one of us falls down in the marathon, we need others to cheer us on. So thank you for being such an excellent cheerleader. Go Team Angel!! 🙂
Sometimes, I can’t feel His uplifting touch until I hit rock bottom and have no where to go and no one to turn to for help. It’s at that moment that He intervenes, sometimes through the words or actions of another person, and I see a Llight that was always there but blotted out by my own arrogance, my ignorance and my stupid ego.
Thanks for sharing, Maggie, and for being His Conduit for those of us who may have also been down in the dumps!
You’re quite uplifting girl, even when you are down.
So true Michael J! I love the timing of such hopeful synchronicity, but this time I hit rock bottom because I was so angry with Him. I didn’t want to be reminded of Him, or anything to do with Him. Like with other relationships, I needed to communicate that to Him, and we are working it out. I have partially forgiven Him 🙂 and I know He
still loves me.
It’s a relief to get things out in the open and be with ALL sides of ourself, and our relationships, without feeling guilt or shame. In this way, expressing my angst felt freeing, even at its most desperate moments. Such revelations come in retrospect, not necessarily at the moment we’re in process. If I didn’t have revelation as a result,
I would have stayed mad and converted to atheism by now!
Sometimes the dumps are where
we find our treasures. The compost heap acts as a fertilizer for growth…Thank you for your appreciation of me being a conduit, though an uplifting one. 🙂 I figured those who have ‘been there’ would understand, but I was still self-conscious of putting it ‘out there’ for everyone to see.
Thanks Michael J, as always, for your understanding and encouragement!!