Client #1 is making good progress! I just got a phone update from her and here’s a post-treatment update on our last visit. As I’ve spoken of in Parts One and Two, Client #1 was re-associating with a past unconscious trauma that she had experienced at the time of her birth. This trauma was dissociated (a.k.a. disassociated), and displaced into her physical body, and her psychology, though she wasn’t aware of the source. The unconscious emotional trauma of the original event caused her a lot of grief, guilt, anxiety, anger…and it was affecting her, still, decades later.
This is what Wikipedia had to say on the subject of dissociation, and Jung, my favorite Psychologist:
“Carl Jung described pathological manifestations of dissociation as special or extreme cases of the normal operation of the psyche. This structural dissociation, opposing tension, and hierarchy of basic attitudes and functions in normal individual consciousness is the basis of Jung’s Psychological Types. He theorized that dissociation is a natural necessity for consciousness to operate in one faculty unhampered by the demands of its opposite.” Client #1 is a case in point, as her process has demonstrated in these three posts about her.
I had sent her home with instructions to do a self-treatment, which she did. The first night, she said she miraculously fell asleep during the very first hold. She said she had her hands on her hips/buttocks (Ether/Water contacts), felt a little bit of anger, and the next thing she knew… it was morning! The second night, she made it through the entire self-treatment, with not much emotional feedback, and she was worried that she wouldn’t have a repeat performance of the previous night when she escaped to dreamland…but she did fall asleep, about 5 minutes later.
On the third night, she was starting to feel the anger and anxiety build back up again, so she decided on her own to do another round of Energy Awareness Integration therapy (see previous post for definition). She said she was kind of dreading it, it gets tiresome. It started out in the usual way with anger and anxiety, but then changed course as it went along. But as she soon discovered, not all gestalt therapy has to feel bad. You know when you’re coming to the end of resolving an issue when you see things playing out differently, with a positive spin. She did her gestalt therapy again, but this time she saw herself as an adult, after coming out of the womb, and each family member she saw as a baby.
She was able to say to them, one by one:
“I am not responsible for meeting your needs, they are not my responsibility. I can have love and compassion for you, but your issues are yours, yours to deal with in an appropriate way. It is not appropriate that you make me responsible for the motherly bonding and nurturing you feel you are lacking from your actual mother.”
Client #1 started out feeling angry as usual, cursing at them, but when she stood up for herself and did so in an conscious way (instead of reacting and acting out from an unconscious place), this freed her to feel her innate compassion and love. The milestone was being able to do this, while maintaining a healthy and appropriate boundary, not a codependent one. She had to become secure enough within herself to be able to withstand abandonment, if it were to happen as a result, and she was no longer willing to tolerate the overwhelming need of taking on the emotional responsibility of trying to make everyone else feel better. That is an impossible task. No one can fill a void within another person. They have to fill themselves up, by treating their own self like they would their own treasured infant, or greatest love. It sounds selfish and narcissistic, but I’m talking about the healthy kind of self-love, which should be our greatest priority as when we achieve this, we actually have a broader and deeper love for everyone, and everything else.
Due to the (Ether/Water) energies moving and the traumatic pattern releasing, that evening she was consumed by her physiological urges. Her libido was calling, as were her obsessive cravings for food. The physical urges felt disconnected with reality, she was full-up, didn’t see the physiological need to satiate, so she explored in her mind and emotions, her relationships to sexuality and food. All during her life she ate copious amounts of food, she had to eat often or she would suffer the effects hypoglycemia. In spite of this, visually she was anorexic looking. Per my Energy Resonance Scan, she seemed to be eating as a way to self-soothe, for love and support. And she metabolized it so quickly, burned it up you could say, as a result of her anger, frustration and feeling powerless in being nourished. She thought that did resonate, given her situation. As an adult, she is still very protective of the food she does have, does not like sharing, and doesn’t like to see waste. She is always stockpiling, needs to have a full pantry, quick and easy access to food, or she gets panicky. Although, sadly and strangely she says there are times when she is so stressed and overwhelmed with the needs of others, that she can’t even feed herself, even if the food is ready to go, in her hand even. This makes her feel like a crazy person. I said she’s not crazy, she’s just behaving from a disconnected perspective, based on trauma. Her system was doing the best it could to take care of her, this is true for all of us, and instead of being disgusted with ourselves feeling gratitude and compassion is a better approach. But you still have to go through the gunk, “feel it to heal it”, you can’t just think the “crazy” away. She still regularly has dreams of food, usually at a time when she is not feeling nurtured. Dreams are a valuable tool for getting clues into our unconscious/subconscious reality. (That’s a whole other subject, but I can recommend my favorite book on the subject, The Dream Book: Symbols for Self-Understanding by Betty Bethards. You will see the link on my sidebar under the category “Psyche, Spirituality, & Well-Being).
Her psychology affected her physical body, her bust never really developed and she was “straight up and down”. I think this was a response by her body to her (Ether/Water) birth trauma, that is, the lack of being able to identify with and embrace her female self, as well as a defense mechanism to keep boys, and sex, far far away. When she did bloom, it was a very late onset. This anorexic look highly affected her body image, and her mother’s response to it didn’t help. Her mom never bought her a bra and felt that the only option was to shop in the boys department, both VERY traumatic for a young pubescent girl.
She never felt comfortable with her body or any of it’s functions, especially in public. She would never go swimming because it meant wearing a bathing suit, and risk being teased. She could never use public bathrooms. She said that as a child, she never had any trouble sleeping, quite the opposite, she required huge amounts of sleep and was never any fun at slumber parties, where one never ‘slumbers’, for all these reasons. Poor girl. Per my scan, I got that she needed to have the Ether support of sleep, to be able to cope. Now that she’s older and it’s time to heal, all her processing is contributing and interacting with other things to cause her insomnia. My sense is that all these symptoms of trouble with her physiological processes are the result of the issues we discussed in Parts 1 and 2. As we can see, she is well on her way to recovering her lost self! I feel encouraged by her progress, and am very proud of her for facing her ‘demons’ head-on. You go girl…You’re now an empowered woman!!
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” ~ Louisa May Alcott